Where All The Milk Goes
by LyraTheWriter
Summary: Izaya Orihara goes on one of his little information quests to discover the secret of... Shizuka's lady lumps. ONESHOT, CRACK, FEM SHIZUO, RATED T FOR LANGUAGE AND VULGAR CONTENT. YOU'RE WELCOME.


_**((This is a oneshot.**_

_** This is absolute crack.**_

_** This is pretty damn inappropriate.**_

_** And I don't really**_** care.))**

No one could deny that Shizuka Heiwajima was a mess.

Her fluffy, dyed blonde hair was always curling outwards like golden flames, bouncing with every step she took with her tall frame. A cigarette was almost always poking out from her mouth, and blue shades hid her warm amber eyes from nearly anyone's view. Her bartender uniform was always fitted snugly, yet somewhat slightly sloppily- her tie always slightly crooked, cuffs not buttoned correctly, etc.

But even though she was a mess, she was a _hot mess._ Especially in the eyes of Izaya Orihara. He was entranced by the way how she hated violence, yet could heat up in a rage of fury, flinging vending machines without obtaining a fracture from all the pressure. He admired how she could be a badass. He loved chasing her around. And... Well...

Shizuka's body was a total masterpiece. Puberty knew what it was doing to her when she had gone through adolescence. Sure, her ass was nice, but...

HER BOOBS.

Now, Izaya wasn't a shallow guy. Honest to god, you could find women with gigantic-ass boobs in Ikebukoro ANYWHERE if you knew where to find them. And he was an information-dealer, so of course he knew all the best spots. But... Shizuka. She was special. Those boobs were Shizuka Heiwajima's. They were sacred.

No matter WHAT she wore, her chest would always give that little bit of "Umph!" with their perk; the perkiness had to be from all of her heavy weight-lifting.

But even with heavy weight-lifting, it didn't solve the question Izaya wanted to answer in his mind, NOW.

How the hell were Shizuka's boobs so big?

They weren't fake- when he grabbed her rack, she slammed a stop-sign onto his face, flattening him to a pancake temporarily. In that split second of feeling her lovely lady-lumps, he could only feel the soft firmness of what could only be the flesh of breasts. No bra padding to be felt. None at all.

And even when they somehow managed to become occasional fuck-buddies (thanks to Erika) whenever she was drunk (she didn't know that it was Izaya she had the stupid one-night-drunk-stands with), Izaya still had a tough time deciphering the enigma of what was Shizuka Heiwajima's boobs.

And then one day.

He was just casually strolling on a hot summer day in Ikebukoro, when he saw her drinking a white liquid out of a two-liter glass bottle. No, not drinking; chugging. Tom was sitting next to her, trying to slow her down. He hid behind a plant to drop in on their convo.

"You know, Shizuka, you should try to drink your milk a little more slowly."

"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FIND A MILK GLASS BOTTLE THIS SIZE? I LOVE MILK." She was passionate in her tone as she glugged the beverage down, some of it accidentally making its way down her throat, into her light bartender blouse.

"You sure love to drink that stuff..."

"Milk's my favourite thing to drink!" She smiled. "Well, I love all dairy products, but nothing really beats milk, you know? I've drank tons of it ever since I was a little kid. It's helped made my body strong. Tastes great too. Especially on a hot summer day like this..." Her face beamed as she stared out into the street, taking in the sweet summer sunshine.

"I think I'll end your shift early today. Apparently your borderline boyfriend is gawking at you at the moment," he left quickly, leaving her to deal with a now-flushed Izaya Orihara, caught red-handed.

"FLEA! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU-" She stopped mid-sentence, as Izaya gave her breasts a squeeze, exclaiming,

"Milk! So that's why you're so blessed, Shizu-chan~" He didn't pay attention to Shizuka's red-faced rage face, or her loud growl of anger, as she gave him a kick where-even-the-shadiest-sun-in-Ikebukoro-don't-shine.

"IZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-KUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!"

_** ((LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL))**_


End file.
